Tuesday, 1 May 2007

Would be funny, if it didn't happen to me...

The setting: a busy central London athletics centre.

#1: Alright, Brandon?* How are you?
#2: Ok.
#1: Haven't seen you around lately.
#2: I've been going in the mornings.
#1: (pause) God, I love all this sunshine.
#2: Yeah.
#1: I've just been hanging around outside, all day.
#2: Yeah.
#1: Don't you love it?
#2: Just a few minutes I was walking down the street and these bits were getting in my eyes, you know, just bits of pollen and stuff flying in my eyes. And I have quite bad hayfever, so I went to the sink to wash my eyes out. And then I looked up in the mirror, and as it turns out, it wasn't pollen or dust or bits of debris at all! It was a fucking fly, with its wings stuck to my cornea, and its legs twitching its last death throes against my eyelids!

(a long pause)

#1: Your traps are looking good -
#2: It's been a shitty day.

*Some names have been changed.


I was looking up hayfever cures from Japan on the internet today, because they have some of the worst allergy symptoms in the world due to foreign trees being planted post-war. This kid's testimonial makes me angry like nothing else in this world:

Hiroyasu, 26

"I have never suffered from hay fever, so I can't understand or imagine how people who do get it, feel. I wouldn't know what to do if I became allergic to pollen someday since no one in my family has such an allergy. I hope I never have that problem because people with those goggles and masks look weird and suspicious."

Thanks for your sensitivity. I won't hesitate to point out, "Hiroyasshole," that you seem to be wearing a high school uniform at the age of TWENTY-SIX. I call that "suspicious", don't you?


Emm said...

hey brods - so random we ran into each other on monday...no??

Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

Brilliant, you make me laugh.

Broderick said...

The Emm: Totally random!

DHG: Thanks! I'd laugh too if it didn't all reflect the actual state of my face orifices as spring comes on with a vengeance.

Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

I feel your pain, I suffer from terrible hayfever.

Use vaseline...